I have never so easily been able to distinguish between my soul, my thoughts and the "other" voice in my head as clearly as I do now. My soul is curiously witnessing the exchange and basically not caring what happens ultimately as the body is a temporary residence anyway. But my thoughts are for the first time entirely separate from the voice in my head.
Before you ask, no I'm not schizophrenic, the voice isn't a person. It's the desire. I can hear it telling me just ONE cheat would be okay; just ONE bite; just ONE thing not on the list. Who wants rules anyway? Weren't they made to be broken? Do the doctors really MEAN no, or are they just being overly cautious? I've been good, don't I deserve this? Strict rules aren't healthy, you need this. YOU NEED THIS.
It gets louder.
And yet there above it all are my own thoughts. My very clear, very controlled brain saying NO. For the first time in my life, I think, I'm not trying to find a way to give in, I'm simply saying NO. It's liberating and terrifying and surreal.
The "other" wants me to fail. It wants and wants and wants and is never satiated. It is unwelcome in my life and yet sitting inside my own mind, harassing me to the point that I now need surgery. My epiphany is this:
I always thought I had no will power. That is entirely untrue, I have ridiculously strong will power. And my will WANTS to make the wrong choice. It wants me to fail. It isn't my will power being weak that is the problem, it's been my poor brain finding a way to say no to my will power. What a different world!
No comments :
Post a Comment