I have never so easily been able to distinguish between my soul, my thoughts and the "other" voice in my head as clearly as I do now. My soul is curiously witnessing the exchange and basically not caring what happens ultimately as the body is a temporary residence anyway. But my thoughts are for the first time entirely separate from the voice in my head.
Before you ask, no I'm not schizophrenic, the voice isn't a person. It's the desire. I can hear it telling me just ONE cheat would be okay; just ONE bite; just ONE thing not on the list. Who wants rules anyway? Weren't they made to be broken? Do the doctors really MEAN no, or are they just being overly cautious? I've been good, don't I deserve this? Strict rules aren't healthy, you need this. YOU NEED THIS.
It gets louder.
And yet there above it all are my own thoughts. My very clear, very controlled brain saying NO. For the first time in my life, I think, I'm not trying to find a way to give in, I'm simply saying NO. It's liberating and terrifying and surreal.
The "other" wants me to fail. It wants and wants and wants and is never satiated. It is unwelcome in my life and yet sitting inside my own mind, harassing me to the point that I now need surgery. My epiphany is this:
I always thought I had no will power. That is entirely untrue, I have ridiculously strong will power. And my will WANTS to make the wrong choice. It wants me to fail. It isn't my will power being weak that is the problem, it's been my poor brain finding a way to say no to my will power. What a different world!
Ticker
Showing posts with label lapband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lapband. Show all posts
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Day 2 of shakes
It's amazing when you're hungry all the weird food memories you have. Last night I dreamt about eating strawberries. Today I am remembering two things vividly: 1 is the sandwich I ate after a 3 day fast I did years ago for a medical procedure. 2nd is food I had with my best friend years ago at a brewery in Long Beach, CA. NO idea why these two things are coming up for me, but here we are.
Last night I had beef broth with peas and carrots in it. I know, sounds odd, but I needed the sodium. Having all the sweet shakes is getting to me, so that helped. I also had some carrots with salsa and that helped a ton. THEN I had my final shake for the night, which allowed me to sleep nicely.
So far today I have no headache and haven't taken anything to prevent one.
I am GRUMPY. I noticed myself being short with members of my team, and could recognize my hunger behind it all. It's a bumpy road so far, but I know day 2 is supposed to be the worst. Ticking along...
Last night I had beef broth with peas and carrots in it. I know, sounds odd, but I needed the sodium. Having all the sweet shakes is getting to me, so that helped. I also had some carrots with salsa and that helped a ton. THEN I had my final shake for the night, which allowed me to sleep nicely.
So far today I have no headache and haven't taken anything to prevent one.
I am GRUMPY. I noticed myself being short with members of my team, and could recognize my hunger behind it all. It's a bumpy road so far, but I know day 2 is supposed to be the worst. Ticking along...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I'm hungry...and it's only day 1
The shakes taste good, so I'm relieved about that, but not having any carbs or fat is killing me. It's only been a day, how am I going to get through 14 of them?? Once I've had surgery I would imagine my hunger is less...plus by then I'll have eaten nothing substantial in weeks. But ugh. I'm drinking water and decaf coffee and sugar free beverages a ton. I plan to get broth tonight so that I don't totally lose my mind; but this is NOT fun.
Many people have asked me why I don't "just diet and exercise"? I find this question so interesting. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be fat. I'm just saying. I did start to think, though, "Hey, why not try it again. I could do the shake days and then just eat slowly without needing surgery."
I'm only on day 1 and I would have cheated by now, a few times, if I were just doing this to lose weight. Knowing the surgery will be safer if I comply with this makes it easier mentally. Physically, though, I'm over it. I've been trying to explain to friends why I need this. It has never been so clear to me until right now. When there is a pending life or death consequence for my actions, I take it seriously. When the consequence is a maybe and is way off (ie: diabetes "someday") it isn't enough of a reason for me to stick to it.
So here I sit, drinking a decaf coffee, water and sparkling ice at the same time hoping the amount of liquid in my stomach will make the hunger stop. another hour until I can have another shake. The thought of MORE sweet isn't making it any better either. I need broth.
If you've been through this...how many days do you fantasize about "real" food?
Many people have asked me why I don't "just diet and exercise"? I find this question so interesting. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be fat. I'm just saying. I did start to think, though, "Hey, why not try it again. I could do the shake days and then just eat slowly without needing surgery."
I'm only on day 1 and I would have cheated by now, a few times, if I were just doing this to lose weight. Knowing the surgery will be safer if I comply with this makes it easier mentally. Physically, though, I'm over it. I've been trying to explain to friends why I need this. It has never been so clear to me until right now. When there is a pending life or death consequence for my actions, I take it seriously. When the consequence is a maybe and is way off (ie: diabetes "someday") it isn't enough of a reason for me to stick to it.
So here I sit, drinking a decaf coffee, water and sparkling ice at the same time hoping the amount of liquid in my stomach will make the hunger stop. another hour until I can have another shake. The thought of MORE sweet isn't making it any better either. I need broth.
If you've been through this...how many days do you fantasize about "real" food?
Shake Day 1
It's only 10:45 and already I took a pain pill for the carb headache I was getting. Not good. I know it wasn't caffeine as I had my coffee. I don't mind the shakes, in fact they are tasty; but going down to less than 900 calories a day with almost zero carbs isn't going to be easy.
I feel for my coworkers!
I feel for my coworkers!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Exercise
I decided instead of waiting to lose some of the weight first, that I would start a workout regime 3 weeks prior. I've been trying not to have everything happen at once. Being someone who enjoys starting the day with a workout, this wasn't a huge step; but I hadn't set foot in a gym (for financial reasons) in over a year...so it was long overdue.
Lucille Roberts is a women's only gym with locations all over NYC. For a CHEAP monthly rate, one gets to visit all of the locations, all classes, unlimited. Amazing.
With a combination of cardio and Tim Ferriss' workout: The Four Hour Body, my workout looks like this:
Monday
30 min cardio (I do treadmill due to knee issues)
Lucille Roberts is a women's only gym with locations all over NYC. For a CHEAP monthly rate, one gets to visit all of the locations, all classes, unlimited. Amazing.
With a combination of cardio and Tim Ferriss' workout: The Four Hour Body, my workout looks like this:
Monday
30 min cardio (I do treadmill due to knee issues)
- 2 min warmup at 2.5
- 3 min warmup at 3.0
- 20 min at 3.5
- 3 min cooldown at 3.0
- 2 min cooldown at 2.5
5 min workout
- 10 - 20lb Kettlebell lifts
- 20 - 20lb Kettlebell swings
- 15 crunches atop the half-moon BOSU ball
- 10 each side of alternate arm and leg lifts while on all fours (If this doesn't make sense, read his book!)
10 min stretching
DONE!
Tuesday
50 min cardio
- 2 min warmup at 2.5
- 3 min warmup at 3.0
- 40 min at 3.5 (Alternating with elevations up to 1.0)
- 3 min cooldown at 3.0
- 2 min cooldown at 2.5
10 min Stretching
Wednesday
50 min cardio
- 2 min warmup at 2.5
- 3 min warmup at 3.0
- 40 min at 3.5 (Alternating with elevations up to 1.0)
- 3 min cooldown at 3.0
- 2 min cooldown at 2.5
10 min Stretching
Thursday
50 min cardio
- 2 min warmup at 2.5
- 3 min warmup at 3.0
- 40 min at 3.5 (Alternating with elevations up to 1.0)
- 3 min cooldown at 3.0
- 2 min cooldown at 2.5
10 min Stretching
Friday
30 min cardio (I do treadmill due to knee issues)
- 2 min warmup at 2.5
- 3 min warmup at 3.0
- 20 min at 3.5
- 3 min cooldown at 3.0
- 2 min cooldown at 2.5
5 min workout
- 10 - 20lb Kettlebell lifts
- 20 - 20lb Kettlebell swings
- 15 crunches atop the half-moon BOSU ball
- 10 each side of alternate arm and leg lifts while on all fours (If this doesn't make sense, read his book!)
10 min stretching
If this is too much for you to start with, start smaller. I used to do a lot more than this, so I decided to hit the ground running, so to speak.
I started my day with a protein shake!
UPDATE:Protein Shakes
The dreaded 2 week protein shake fast is coming. Ugh.
While I am extremely excited for my upcoming surgery (May 29th!!!), I am NOT excited about the upcoming 2 weeks of protein shakes. This is apparently necessary to shrink my liver in order to make the surgery safer. Fine. But 2 weeks?? I'm getting surgery because I'm hungry and you're going to make me fast beforehand?!?!?!?!
Torture.
One saving grace is that I can have broth as well as 2 cups of veggies a day (non-starchy ones, of course) and I can still have my coffee. Thank GOD.
The shake I've decided on is Muscle Milk Light. It tastes good somehow...I know, hard to believe. It also has a higher protein content with fewer calories than most of the other options out there. I figure I need all the protein I can get as it should help me to be less hungry. We shall see.
What experiences do you have with them?
UPDATE: So I changed my mind on the brand. I will be using GNC Total Lean. It tastes better, is WAAAAY cheaper, has more protein than MMLight and has 3 different flavors out. Yay!
While I am extremely excited for my upcoming surgery (May 29th!!!), I am NOT excited about the upcoming 2 weeks of protein shakes. This is apparently necessary to shrink my liver in order to make the surgery safer. Fine. But 2 weeks?? I'm getting surgery because I'm hungry and you're going to make me fast beforehand?!?!?!?!
Torture.
One saving grace is that I can have broth as well as 2 cups of veggies a day (non-starchy ones, of course) and I can still have my coffee. Thank GOD.
The shake I've decided on is Muscle Milk Light. It tastes good somehow...I know, hard to believe. It also has a higher protein content with fewer calories than most of the other options out there. I figure I need all the protein I can get as it should help me to be less hungry. We shall see.
What experiences do you have with them?
UPDATE: So I changed my mind on the brand. I will be using GNC Total Lean. It tastes better, is WAAAAY cheaper, has more protein than MMLight and has 3 different flavors out. Yay!
Finding a surgeon
It is the fortune of my life that I am always in the right place at the right time. When the idea to finally seek professional help for the weight that would not leave my body struck me, I found myself living in NYC. My coworker directed me to the VERY helpful website, obesityhelp.com. It was through that site that I located my surgeon.
My search was fairly simple. I searched the doctors in my area that had really high ratings and a lot of them. I called 3. The first two had fairly rude secretaries. At the time, I was asking about a procedure still in testing called Gastric Plication. A friend of mine had it a year prior with amazing results. I wanted this surgery for the simple reason that it removed nothing and yet worked like a gastric sleeve.
The first two called wouldn't even speak to me, said a simple, "No, we don't do that," and hung up. Finally, the 3rd doctor had a secretary that did not hang up. She said it was still in clinical trials, but that the doctor would be happy to chat with me about it and booked an appointment.
I began researching him. Extensively.
What I learned made me laugh. I reached this stage of my life at 34. I had lived and worked all over the world, had many times thought about getting help but never took the step, and there was no reason that this was the time I finally made the decision to see someone.
And yet, here I was, working and living in NYC, with the ability to meet with THE #1 leading LapBand surgeon in the world. Not the country. The world. He's done more surgeries than any surgeon, of any kind, in the world. He was brought to the US from Australia to teach American doctors how to DO this surgery 20 years ago. On top of that, he himself had the surgery done 10 years prior.
Jackpot.
Still, I went to the appointment expecting a surgeon's personality. A "God Complex"ed jerk with terrible bedside manner whom I would tolerate because of his excellent resume.
What I found was quite the opposite. He is kind, generous with his time, explained everything in detail, answered all of my questions, and would not let me leave until he told me that I should be proud of myself for admitting I needed help. We spoke about Gastric Plication and he expressed his newfound concerns quite candidly. He explained each type of surgery available, discussed which he thought best for various personality types and asked what "type" of patient I was. He then told me which he thought was best for me and said I should spend time thinking about it and let him know if I would like to proceed.
A surgeon?? Human??
They do exist! It's like the holy grail, but it's real. As I write this, I've had 3 visits with him (my insurance requires 1 more before I can officially "qualify" to apply to them for coverage). Each visit he is kind, answers any questions and is encouraging.
If you're in the NYC area, visit http://thinforlife.med.nyu.edu/ and search for Dr. George Fielding.
Good luck!!
My search was fairly simple. I searched the doctors in my area that had really high ratings and a lot of them. I called 3. The first two had fairly rude secretaries. At the time, I was asking about a procedure still in testing called Gastric Plication. A friend of mine had it a year prior with amazing results. I wanted this surgery for the simple reason that it removed nothing and yet worked like a gastric sleeve.
The first two called wouldn't even speak to me, said a simple, "No, we don't do that," and hung up. Finally, the 3rd doctor had a secretary that did not hang up. She said it was still in clinical trials, but that the doctor would be happy to chat with me about it and booked an appointment.
I began researching him. Extensively.
What I learned made me laugh. I reached this stage of my life at 34. I had lived and worked all over the world, had many times thought about getting help but never took the step, and there was no reason that this was the time I finally made the decision to see someone.
And yet, here I was, working and living in NYC, with the ability to meet with THE #1 leading LapBand surgeon in the world. Not the country. The world. He's done more surgeries than any surgeon, of any kind, in the world. He was brought to the US from Australia to teach American doctors how to DO this surgery 20 years ago. On top of that, he himself had the surgery done 10 years prior.
Jackpot.
Still, I went to the appointment expecting a surgeon's personality. A "God Complex"ed jerk with terrible bedside manner whom I would tolerate because of his excellent resume.
What I found was quite the opposite. He is kind, generous with his time, explained everything in detail, answered all of my questions, and would not let me leave until he told me that I should be proud of myself for admitting I needed help. We spoke about Gastric Plication and he expressed his newfound concerns quite candidly. He explained each type of surgery available, discussed which he thought best for various personality types and asked what "type" of patient I was. He then told me which he thought was best for me and said I should spend time thinking about it and let him know if I would like to proceed.
A surgeon?? Human??
They do exist! It's like the holy grail, but it's real. As I write this, I've had 3 visits with him (my insurance requires 1 more before I can officially "qualify" to apply to them for coverage). Each visit he is kind, answers any questions and is encouraging.
If you're in the NYC area, visit http://thinforlife.med.nyu.edu/ and search for Dr. George Fielding.
Good luck!!
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