Does food own you?

After my Whole30, I had a couple of weeks off. I went to NYC, played with friends and stopped watching what I ate. 3 things happened:

1 - I felt disgusting from the inside out. My tummy hurt, my joints ached and I was hungry again
2 - I began to think about food again, and when I could have more of it
3 - I realized the emptiness of using food for comfort

Insert this weekend. I spent the last week "mostly" off sugar. I'm trying to make it a lifestyle change, which requires testing myself in situations. As with all things, sometimes I fail. It's a learning experience. So this weekend, I started it off on Friday night at a new, adorable pizza place right by my house. I got a pizza, beer and a cookie.

I drank the beer, watched the game and ate half the pizza. HALF THE PIZZA.

I walked home.

I was still hungry. I felt like I hadn't eaten a single thing.

HOW????? Didn't my body know I had just consumed damn near 2000 calories? Probably more?

It didn't. I felt empty, hungry, grumpy, whiny and entirely unsatiated. And still, I wanted more. LAME.

It didn't take me long to hate that pizza. How dare it trick me like that? How dare it fill my stomach up without bothering to trip the natural *full-o-meter* that it's supposed to after eating!

While working in NYC, I would frequent a local pizza bar. One of the people I met there worked at a company just a few blocks north. Their job was to chemically test food additives that would allow companies to take up "more real estate" - her words - in your stomach. Essentially how to trick your body into being hungrier AFTER you ate than before. Some foods you love were on her list....Top Ramen, Doritos, Kraft Mac and Cheese and McDonalds were a few I remember her listing.

It's no coincidence that Americans are larger and more unhealthy than ANY other nation. We have companies paid billions to ensure we consume. This pizza? Clearly a client of hers...

What are you eating just because someone paid to use your body to make money?

Whole30 Week 1 Complete

Week 1 is DONE!!

It's a great feeling to be in control of one's environment. After just a few days on Whole30, I was hungry less, easily making good choices and feeling myself shrink. After my first week, I'm down 14 pounds (GASP) and feeling awesome. My joints are happier, my digestive tract is happier and my clothes...don't fit.

Thanks to an awesome coworker, this isn't an issue. She literally asked me last week out of the clear blue if I'd want her "inbetween" clothes as she too is shedding weight and is about 25 pounds ahead of me. Um, YES. She also happens to have an amazing fashion sense, so I feel cute for FREE. Bonus.

I only had one weak moment this week (which I did NOT give in to). I was at a friends house and in her kitchen was a pan of brownies. Brownies are my favorite food. If I was deserted on an island and could have only one thing for the rest of my life, it'd be brownies. I love them. I heart them. And I did NOT have them. After my third time having to pass them and saying no, I decided I needed to leave and eat some real food so that my hunger wouldn't outweigh my will. It worked :)

I'm eating a LOT of fruit. Perhaps more than one is supposed to...but obviously this isn't negatively affecting my efforts. I'm also eating a lot of protein and veggies, so I must be doing something right. 

If you're at it too, keep up the good work!! If you're weighing your thoughts on whether or not to try the Whole30 consider this...it's 30 days...aren't you worth that?

Whole30 Day 3

Today I did something I'm not supposed to do. I stepped on the scale. I couldn't help it...I was releasing a LOT of water and was feeling so clean I had to know what it was doing. I'm down 7 pounds since a couple of days ago. Clearly it's ALL water, but it feels amazing to be un-bloated.

Part of this is that I'm off all starches...but the other is that last night I had "lemonade" - The quotes are because for me, lemonade is literally lemons with sparkling water. No sugar or sweetener - I've never liked my lemonade to be sweet. Lemons are a natural diuretic, so it's not surprising that this happened, but it feels awesome!

I didn't sleep great, but I know this will pass. I'm waking up slightly hungry, which means my metabolism is working properly and I'm able to easily say no to the two boxes of cookies and chocolate cake that is currently sitting in my work break room. I feel my energy climbing, so I'm excited to have this increase!

Seeing sugar as poison

Warning: this gets a little long

Having moved since my last post from NYC to sunny California, my life has been a little crazy. My weight has remained stable through this transition and I stopped worrying about losing for a while so that I could settle into life here. I'm now on a simple routine of walking to and from work each day (1.3 miles each way) and then yoga/stretching twice a week. I will soon be adding weight training in 2-3 days per week as well.

Now about sugar.

I spent last weekend in beautiful Lake Tahoe with my oldest friend in the world. She's a scientist and specializes in how various chemicals effect cell structure, etc. I am lost very easily when she speaks, but she is a great teacher and brings it back down to my level as soon as my face goes "huh?"

The topic this weekend was about a study that was recently completed. She is super critical of studies and doesn't believe most of what is out there. She will pour over the details of findings to make sure each step was done properly and that there was no possibility of bias on behalf of the researchers. It is this intense distrust in her that makes me worried. This new study she believes. She said the findings tell us this:

Sugar changes our DNA.
Sugar causes cancer.
Sugar then feeds the cancer.
Sugar causes diabetes.
Sugar causes heart disease.*

Sugar causes our cells to continue dividing even when they are unhealthy/damaged cells. In a normal body, when a cell divides and the result is a damaged cell, the cell itself has within it's structure to commit suicide; thus ensuring that only healthy cells continue dividing. Sugar blocks that signal. This means that when a cell divides and results in a damaged cell, that damaged cell goes right on dividing. It isn't hard to see why we as a nation have gotten so unhealthy so fast.

Thanks to the "fat makes you fat" craze, anything and everything was created "fat-free" AKA: high sugar. The flavor had to come from somewhere. Research has now proven that we were wrong. Completely. Some fats make you fat, but it is sugar that makes you sick. It's toxic. And it's in everything.

Alright, so not EVERYTHING. What isn't it in? The perimeter of the store. We've all heard it...that you're supposed to walk into the supermarket and stay on the outside. Why? Everything inside is processed. That truth is much more important than we knew.

The FDA is now in the process of changing food labels to show us the added sugar. The study is changing the face of food...and hopefully, your kitchen cupboards.

But HOW?!? Sugar?!? 

I know. Believe me, I know. Even after I had broken myself (through a ton of prayer) of my addiction to it, I was still in love with it. Come on, it's sugar!

That's the problem. When given the choice between sugar and cocaine (yes, cocaine), mice chose sugar! It's so addictive it can even make you want it over cocaine if you have to choose between them. If you don't think you're addicted to it, then stop. Today. See how that goes.

When you realize that you, yes you, are addicted...only then can you begin to heal it and stop having it entirely. The FDA is currently saying it's safe to have up to 5 teaspoons a day for women/7 for men. But a couple of years ago, it was 8/10...essentially sugar is being seen a less and less healthy. Therefore, it's my belief that the only solution is to remove it completely...like quitting smoking. Just done.

Does this mean you'll never ever ever have anything with sugar ever again? No.
Does it mean you'll stop buying it and eating it regularly? Yes.

Sugar should become so rare in your life that just as a previous chain smoker will be annoyed by the smell of smoke wafting their way, the taste of it should annoy you. After all, it's bad for you. Your body knows it, you've just been so inundated with it that your body figured out a way to deal with it. Your taste buds changed, your blood sugar changed and everything lined up to allow for this addiction.

It's not as hard as it sounds.

When I decided to take it out of my diet, I started SLOWLY. The word NO never entered my brain. I simply stopped buying anything with sugar in it. I also stopped counting calories. The only way I was going to get through this was to NOT feel hungry. Ever. Hunger = cravings = bad choices. So I surrounded myself with things I like that aren't sugary...crackers, cheeses, fruits, oatmeal, salad, chicken, yogurt, tea, coffee, hummus, salsa...you get the idea. FOOD.

I've always been a "snack" person. Something sweet after dinner is normal for me. So instead of going cold-turkey, I allowed myself to have whatever was left in my kitchen. This included fiber one bars. They're chocolate and oat, so there IS sugar. And eventually they are a no...but while I transition, the fiber allows my blood sugar not to spike and the chocolate allows my brain not to revolt.

And you know what? It's not that hard. In fact, cutting it out is making me less hungry. Go figure. I am beginning to prefer the taste of naturally sweet foods more...oranges, yogurt (unsweetened - unflavored), tomatoes and I physically don't long for it. Hooray!

What to eat then?

I recently joined a CSA, which will deliver fresh, locally grown fruits and veggies to me each week. This means that I don't even have to go to the store to have all the healthy I need! I highly suggest doing things like this for yourself...if it's easy, you'll stick to it.

I looked up the various foods we should be eating each day and here's my list:

• Food Amount Calories
• Hemp Seeds 3 TBSP 135
• Yogurt 3/4 c 110
• Flax Seeds 2 TBSP 74
• Cinnamon 1/2 tsp 0
• Almonds 23 163
• Blueberries 1/2 c 42.5
• Broccoli 1/2 c 15
• Oatmeal 1 1/2 c 360
• Tea 2-5 c 0
• Beans 3/4 c 495.75
• Garlic 1 clove 0
• Olive Oil 1 TBSP 119

They can be combined and enjoyed in various ways. What matters is trying to eat as close to this list each day as possible for great nutrition and a balanced, happy body. Each has a different reason, so if you cannot stomach one of them, look up why they're good for you and find a substitute. Obviously you will eat more than just this...this is only about 1500 calories (and a person NOT trying to lose weight needs more than that).

*I want to take a moment to point out I am NOT a doctor/researcher/specialist and this is strictly what I was told by a friend whom I trust to have done the research. I encourage you to do the same if you're at all concerned that I'm wrong. Though I can't see a single negative come from eliminating this poison from your diet. To my knowledge no one ever died from NOT eating sugar.

Miscalculations

In the world of weight management, there is one factor that can silently sabotage your efforts...bad information. While much of the world is doing a great job of listing their calorie counts on their menus and in nutritional data online, not every restaurant does this yet. When having to do it on your own, it is quite possible that you will miscalculate things you eat.

This week, I did that. And I gained weight because of it. Thanks to My Fitness Pal, I was able to look at which foods I KNEW I got right, which then allowed me to see what I must have counted wrong. This did several things for me:

• It allows me to never eat those foods again, since I clearly can't properly account for them
• It allows me to NOT beat myself up for the weight gain
• and most importantly, it allows me to NOT let this to be a setback 

When you're trying to be healthy and lose weight (or gain it), as with everything in life, there is going to be a learning curve. Some days, weeks, months everything will go the way you think it will. And some won't. That's normal. When you don't know why it happened, it's easy to tell yourself that you failed, that your body is against you, that you might as well just give up because you clearly can't do this.

But when you know why, when you have the right tools and the means of changing your thought life to support you instead of sabotage you, miscalculations can be seen for what they are. Miscalculations. Not an attack, not a failure, not a character flaw. Just a simple, human, miscalculation.

So as I start my Friday, instead of feeling weaker, I actually feel stronger. I know how to do better next week, I know what to avoid and what doesn't support my efforts. I feel empowered.

***Sidenote: You'll notice in my post on what I eat, instead of deleting the things that contributed to this gain, I lined them out so that you too can avoid them :)

Friends are great reminders

This past week, I had the pleasure of sharing my new found success with a good friend of mine. I listened as she expressed her frustration at recent weight gain and then had a time of reflection as she said no to having a salad with me for dinner because "I already had dunkin donuts today, so I'm going all out for dinner."

I remember being there. I remember when my brain was not on my side. I remember when each moment was consumed with thoughts of when I could eat again, which carbs I wanted, when I could get the next sugar high.

Listening to my friend, I had an extreme feeling of empathy; but not just for her, I had it for myself. I thought back to how I had been and thought for so many years and I just felt sorry for that 'me.' The slavery I had to my thoughts was so strong that at one point I tried to join the football team in school and later the army...just to have someone structure my life in such a way that my brain couldn't control me anymore. I was willing to have a drill sergeant scream at me and open myself up to going to war just to find some mental peace.

Ultimately neither of those happened, so my thoughts kept attacking me and sabotaging any of my attempts to change. When I finally decided I was going to get lapband, I was done. I was done fighting, I was done being bullied by my thoughts and I was done feeling worse every morning.

As I've shared in previous posts, my journey to getting the lapband included several epiphanies. The final one was that I simply had to say NO to myself. And I had to mean it. Listening to my friend struggle with her thoughts showed me just how far I've come. I don't try, I don't talk myself into eating healthy, I don't distract myself from thinking about unhealthy foods. I am free, completely.

The recipe for getting where I am is pretty simple:

Say no.
Pray.
Get people to support you without judgement and without jealousy (avoid others who are struggling still - they will unknowingly talk you out of making good decisions)

If you want to know:

What I eat

My exercise routine

My church

What I eat

Within 1 hour of waking (170 calories):

• Chocolate GNC Total Lean Shake
• Coffee with just a splash of half&half

3-4 hours later, lunch (400-600 calories):

• Hale and Hearty salad with chicken, spinach, goat cheese, strawberries, cucumbers and onions. Chili-Lime vinaigrette with french bread on the side and 2 pats of butter

or

• Panera Bread pick two deal with greek salad (no olives) and black bean soup (or chicken noodle), a side of french bread and 3 pats of butter

or

• Beans and rice with cheese and LOTS of hot sauce

or

• Subway sandwich

3-4 hours later, snack (100-300 calories):

• Greek yogurt

or

• frozen yogurt with white chocolate chips and raspberries

or

• White cheddar popcorn

or

• Hummus and pita

or

• GNC Total Lean Vanilla Shake with a splash of coffee

3-4 hours later, dinner (200-600 calories):

• Wahoos #1 with blackened chicken taco, white rice, white beans and a grip of limes

or

• Spicy tuna roll and 2 pieces of salmon nigiri

or

• Salad with tuna, crushed lime tostidos, tomato, onion, red leaf lettuce and lemon juice

or

• Cream cheese, salsa and lime tostidos

or

• Pineapple chicken with white rice

or

• GNC Total Lean Shake

Snacks at night, if I need more calories or want dessert:

• Sugar free chocolate/vanilla swirl pudding

or

• Brookside dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds

or

• Frozen yogurt with mini m&ms and mini marshmallows

I use the My Fitness Pal app daily!!

Bullies

While walking on the treadmill yesterday, I picked up and read Glamour Magazine. They've always been my favorite and the article I read just reinforced why. They covered the story of a newswoman who last year was bullied by a viewer. He emailed her this:

Hi Jennifer, It's unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed to witness that your physical condition hasn't improved for many years. Surely you don't consider yourself a suitable example for this community's young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain. I leave you this note hoping that you'll reconsider your responsibility as a local public personality to present and promote a healthy lifestyle.

As someone who has spent my entire adult life obese thanks to health issues, the word that struck me as the most ignorant was the word CHOICE. It made me really ponder the thought life of a person who would choose that word in this situation. Choice. I realized that there is an entire population of people who honestly believe that the way people get fat is by laying around the house eating McDonalds and Haagen Daas.

While I will give you that they do exist, I don't actually know ANYONE who got overweight through laziness and overeating. The laziness and overeating come because of the obesity, not the other way around. The obesity is usually a symptom of an illness...from asthma to pregnancy to hypothyroidism to joint/leg injuries to cancer to weak organs. The weight starts to come on quickly and before you know it you can't move and it basically doesn't matter how much or little you eat, it all just increases your waistline.

While it's easy to assume this man is an idiot or moron, I received an email from a friend of mine from church after my last post thanking me for teaching him so much. He is a learned, intelligent, articulate man in his 40s who is an athlete and he had no idea that there were steroids used medicinally or that they could alter one's body composition. It's unfortunate in today's society that the majority of people actually have no idea what obesity is, how it happens or what it means.

Everyone has their cross to bear; but if you would, take a moment to contemplate if whatever your issues are were out there for the world to see and judge. My asthma made me take meds that increased my weight significantly. I'm finally on my way back to health, but it took decades of trying and failing before I understood what my body needed and could mentally attack the pain in my joints and difficulty breathing in order to actually work out.

The only reason anyone knows I have an issue is because it caused an external symptom called obesity. Those suffering from bi-polar disorder, cancer, depression, IBS, etc generally do so in private. They would not be very happy if the whole world could tell just by looking at them that something was off. And then on top of it, to be blamed for it and told it is "one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain."

The next time you see someone you consider obese, instead of thinking "wow, they should put down the donut and hit the gym," a more realistic thought would be, "whatever they're struggling to fight, I pray they get the help they need."

Happy hump day, folks :)

Perseverance

After last weeks minor setback, I proved to myself that I have changed. How? I did NOT emotionally react, feel defeated and throw in the towel. Instead, I had a protein day, got back to the gym and prayed that God would work His magic on my body to heal it and help it to rebound quickly from the illness and medication.

This week I am down not just the weight I gained that week, but an additional pound, bringing my total pounds lost to 25.6! I was prepared for it to come off slowly and was completely awe struck at the scale this morning. I knew I had followed the right eating plan and exercised; but with steroids, I was cautious to be optimistic. I'm overjoyed to see the quick rebound my body made and be able to see God's hand in helping me to get through that bump with a good attitude and get to see such awesome results.

Last weekend I realized I could no longer wear my normal work pants, as they're way too big, so I went shopping. I figured I'd be down a size and brought a bunch of pants to the dressing room. They were all too big. I'm down 2 sizes! It's such a great feeling to know I'm in control of my body and my mind even when things externally impact me.

Another funny thing...I took a picture with a friend and could actually see the difference in my face. It's weird when you see your own weight loss happening.

Excited for the weekend!!

Surprise success

Having gone on vacation for a week and eaten a bit more than usual, I was expecting this week to reflect a bit of that. Last week I dropped a pound and a half, so I thought if I was lucky I dropped another 2 pounds this week.

When I got on the scale, I had to re-weigh myself 3 times from disbelief. I dropped 6 pounds this week! Granted I tried to eat a bit less this week to make up for last week, but I never expected THAT! I cannot recommend highly enough the My Fitness Pal app. It has made ALL the difference. I'm able to keep track of everything so easily and monitor myself constantly.

Before my vacation, I expressed my concerns with several friends from church, so I feel very thankful that their prayers helped me get through it all with such ease and success. I feel strong, empowered and able to succeed like I never have before!

Success

On the road to health, it's always important to point out the things you do right. This week, even though I suffered from some additional stressers, I was able to stay right where I needed to be. I ate 1500 calories or less each day, started my day with a protein shake and got to the gym 3 times.

As a kid, there was VERY little I wouldn't do for a gold star. So to honor my inner child:

The real reward? On top of feeling great, I am down another 3 pounds. That makes it 18 so far!! I think instead of thinking in those terms I want to start thinking toward my goal instead of away from my past. So to change it up, I am now 111 pounds from my goal! The goal could change as I'm more interested in feeling great and being healthy than weighing a specific number, but for now it'll work.

Tomorrow I leave for a week-long trip around the northeast. It'll be awesome, but will carry with it additional eating challenges and probably no time to work out regularly. I'm fortunate to have a body of fellow Christians who support, pray and encourage me along this journey. One of them sent me an email after my last post encouraging me through my munchies. If you don't have a support system, I highly encourage you to get one. It really makes a difference to feel like there are people rooting for you.

I attribute my success this week to my support system, the My Fitness Pal app and my planning. Happy Friday, kids!

Munchies

As I approach my next hormonal shift, I notice two subtle things: I want to snack and I want salty or sweet things. The rest of the month I have been able to basically not pay a lot of attention to what I'm eating in a flavor or texture kind of way. I choose healthy foods that taste good and plan ahead well. Yesterday and today I am noticing a creeping need for munchies. Coworkers snacking is on my radar, I am thinking more about food than normal and I am starving.

While it's possible that it is tied to the minimal calories I had Monday, I think it is possible as well that my hormones are playing a role in this. I'm proud of myself in that I will still manage to stay within the 1500 calorie limit for the day, which is not normally how I would handle things when this shift comes through. It's a nice feeling to be in control even when my hormones and munchies are kicking.

My Fitness Pal review

In all fairness, this is my first day using it, so I could change my mind; but I LOVE the My Fitness Pal app! You can search various foods, put in calories yourself or create an entire food profile. It then compiles everything into weekly or longer data so you can see your progress. I also love that it tells you based on your weight, height and goal how many calories to eat per day.

Before you think this is just for those losing weight, it has goals to gain or maintain as well; and it has entries for exercise. I am not easily impressed and that is the word I would use with regard to this app! I had been writing down each days foods (if it goes in my mouth, it's counted) so this lets me do so on my phone, which is ALWAYS with me. In addition because you can enter your own foods into it, you can figure out your favorite meals once, input it with a name you'll remember, then just go to My Foods and find it the next time you eat it, instead of trying to recalculate things.

What's even MORE awesome is that because you create a login, you can access the information even if for some reason your phone isn't with you. Though I imagine that isn't often. I was able to see a pattern in my eating that tells the story of the successful weeks of weight loss versus non-successful ones. Oddly for me, I have many days where I under-eat so this called me on it and will encourage me to get my calories in regularly. A healthy metabolism is a properly fed metabolism.

Happy App-ing kids!

Panera Bread: Testing my kryptonite

Everyone has their "thing" where food is concerned. For me, it's Panera Bread. Well...and brownies, but that's a whole other level of discussion. Panera is a place I used to go and order soup in a bread bowl, with bread on the side and a cookie. For anyone paying attention, that's about 1600 calories. For one meal.

When I began my healthy lifestyle, I decided Panera was a "no" food because of my history. Two months ago, I had my "last" Panera and said goodbye to my favorite spot.

With the success I've had lately in feeling so in control of my hunger, I decided it might be okay to pre-plan and try eating there in a healthy way. After inputting everything I like into their nutrition calculator (how awesome is THAT??) I saw the pattern of what IS and what IS NOT okay to have. Some things are fine on their own, but would not be enough, so it was good to play around with everything.

Ultimately I decided on a bowl of Black Bean soup (NOT in a bread bowl), a baguette on the side and two patties of the butter. The total calories: 440, with 18g of protein and only 5g of fat!

It's been about an hour now and I still feel great. I'm not craving anything, I'm satisfied and I'm STOKED that I can now safely order at my favorite place without feeling out of control or having to avoid it!!!

Lesson: When you're getting enough protein and vitamins, etc, cravings disappear so you're able to actually ENJOY something without it controlling you.

YAY!

Getting noticed

If you've never weighed a whole lot...or never lost it...you won't know the info below. Even if you have dropped a lot of weight, you may not have noticed what I'm about to tell you. Being a people-watcher extraordinaire, I have observed the following:

It's kind of weird that every stage of weight has it's own category of attention. 15 pounds ago I was in the "invisible" category; the place where no one really looks at you except random homeless people. This stage is actually a big reason people get to that high of a weight. Much research has gone into the psyche of being overweight and has found that most people are heavy to protect themselves in some way. It's usually sub-conscious, but it is rare to find someone like me...someone overweight who likes attention.

Now I'm in the "noticed in passing" stage where people notice me again and are beginning to have judgement in their looks. It's important to note that at no stage do I care about these varying degrees of reaction/attention; I just find people fascinating (hey, my degree is in Sociology). I love to make mental notes of different things as I people watch in a feeble attempt to understand how people think. It makes the time on the train feel shorter :)

As someone who has lost a significant amount of weight before in my life, I know I will soon drop into the "Noticed and possible competition" category. This category carries with it a bit harsher judgement. When you're being judged because someone thinks of you as "fat," they are judging your overall appearance. When you're being judged because you might be a potential competitor, the judgement becomes about everything...how your hair is done, what your lips looks like, whether your shoes match your purse, if your toe nails are painted, etc. Girls are ridiculous. Again, let me reiterate, I'm able to notice this because it amuses me. Woman have NO idea what men actually see in a girl, so we judge each other based on what we see. The funny thing is that when a girl judges another on all that, it has no basis in her competitive edge. I get hit on more in sweats and a hair tie than I ever do when I'm perfectly coiffed. And I get hit on by more married men than single ones. Figure that one out!

I mention all this merely because I can. Being someone who's self-esteem is firmly planted without regard to others, I thoroughly enjoy watching people's reactions to each other, including me. Being intuitive, I usually know what they're thinking, so I love to look them in the eye. It's fun to watch their reaction when they realize I know. I don't know how this communication exchange takes place, but some day we'll discover people are more telepathic than science currently attests to. Until then I will just continue to enjoy, observe and report back to you what I find.

Cheat days

Included in my "plan" are various kinds of cheat days. Once a week I can have 1800 calories and once a month I can have an unlimited day. This weekend I took both, haha. Having a visitor in town...my mom...means we are out and about more than usual. I enjoyed some Italian on Saturday and then Sunday had Chinese for lunch, Mexican for dinner AND some fro-yo with toppings for dessert. Hey, I'm a multi-cultural foodie.

What was awesome was that in neither case did I feel out of control, in neither case did I blow the rest of the day just because of those meals, and in neither case did I wake up feeling hungrier than normal. I decided when I made the "plan" that my big cheat day a month would be followed by a shake day to help re-regulate my blood sugar. I'm halfway through that today and feel great! I'm a little tired, and excited for my salad in an hour or so, but other than that I'm not weird out about it and I'm not trying to talk myself into eating instead.
Progress!

Scales and Alligators

An alligator will look at you, consider attacking and perhaps decide to let you off with a curious glance, making you certain of your safety; or so you thought. They can sneak up behind you, quick as lightening and attack, leaving you deeply damaged or dead.

Like alligators, scales should be treated with caution. A scale, if used properly, can be an instrument to tell you whether or not you're heading in the right direction. A scale might look harmless, but you can't "un-know" what it will tell you. You might step on it feeling great; you know you haven't overeaten, you have been exercising, you KNOW it will give you good news.

And then it doesn't.

And like a sneaky alligator, suddenly your thoughts begin to spiral, leaving you damaged or dead inside. You didn't see it coming and now the pretty day you woke up to feels like a hot subway station and you just need air.

WHY?

No matter what you tell yourself...muscle weighs more than fat, water weight could be to blame, weight fluctuates, etc...media and society base everything on the numbers on the scale. Instead of throwing on your favorite jeans and thinking, "Wow, they're loose!" we are trained to hop on a scale to determine what our mood should be for the day. Sounds like the voice from another post on here!

But how can you fix that???

Well there's different answers for everyone. For me, praying and determining my response to the number beforehand are a major factor. I can face it if I don't feel attached to the number. If I am in a place where I look at it as a tool to see what IS and IS NOT working, during a period of transition in my diet. Once transitioned, it's generally better for me to basically avoid them, as one bad "weigh-in" can make me doubt everything I've worked on since the last one. And those thoughts from earlier...muscle weighs more than fat, water weight could be to blame, weight fluctuates...are TRUE! But turning your thoughts from negative to positive take a LOT of practice, and sometimes I'm just not there.

If you're one of those weirdos who isn't affected by those numbers, awesome! Share your secrets!! If you're not, like most of us, stack it at the top of your closet and only break it out when you run into it. Spring cleaning! OH - time to weigh in! Your body and mind will thank you :)

The little voice in your head

I have never so easily been able to distinguish between my soul, my thoughts and the "other" voice in my head as clearly as I do now. My soul is curiously witnessing the exchange and basically not caring what happens ultimately as the body is a temporary residence anyway. But my thoughts are for the first time entirely separate from the voice in my head.

Before you ask, no I'm not schizophrenic, the voice isn't a person. It's the desire. I can hear it telling me just ONE cheat would be okay; just ONE bite; just ONE thing not on the list. Who wants rules anyway? Weren't they made to be broken? Do the doctors really MEAN no, or are they just being overly cautious? I've been good, don't I deserve this? Strict rules aren't healthy, you need this. YOU NEED THIS.

It gets louder.

And yet there above it all are my own thoughts. My very clear, very controlled brain saying NO. For the first time in my life, I think, I'm not trying to find a way to give in, I'm simply saying NO. It's liberating and terrifying and surreal.

The "other" wants me to fail. It wants and wants and wants and is never satiated. It is unwelcome in my life and yet sitting inside my own mind, harassing me to the point that I now need surgery. My epiphany is this:

I always thought I had no will power. That is entirely untrue, I have ridiculously strong will power. And my will WANTS to make the wrong choice. It wants me to fail. It isn't my will power being weak that is the problem, it's been my poor brain finding a way to say no to my will power. What a different world!