Does food own you?

After my Whole30, I had a couple of weeks off. I went to NYC, played with friends and stopped watching what I ate. 3 things happened:

1 - I felt disgusting from the inside out. My tummy hurt, my joints ached and I was hungry again
2 - I began to think about food again, and when I could have more of it
3 - I realized the emptiness of using food for comfort

Insert this weekend. I spent the last week "mostly" off sugar. I'm trying to make it a lifestyle change, which requires testing myself in situations. As with all things, sometimes I fail. It's a learning experience. So this weekend, I started it off on Friday night at a new, adorable pizza place right by my house. I got a pizza, beer and a cookie.

I drank the beer, watched the game and ate half the pizza. HALF THE PIZZA.

I walked home.

I was still hungry. I felt like I hadn't eaten a single thing.

HOW????? Didn't my body know I had just consumed damn near 2000 calories? Probably more?

It didn't. I felt empty, hungry, grumpy, whiny and entirely unsatiated. And still, I wanted more. LAME.

It didn't take me long to hate that pizza. How dare it trick me like that? How dare it fill my stomach up without bothering to trip the natural *full-o-meter* that it's supposed to after eating!

While working in NYC, I would frequent a local pizza bar. One of the people I met there worked at a company just a few blocks north. Their job was to chemically test food additives that would allow companies to take up "more real estate" - her words - in your stomach. Essentially how to trick your body into being hungrier AFTER you ate than before. Some foods you love were on her list....Top Ramen, Doritos, Kraft Mac and Cheese and McDonalds were a few I remember her listing.

It's no coincidence that Americans are larger and more unhealthy than ANY other nation. We have companies paid billions to ensure we consume. This pizza? Clearly a client of hers...

What are you eating just because someone paid to use your body to make money?

Whole30: Complete

Tomorrow marks the end of my challenge! And I did it!!! I'm feeling great...sleeping great...eating great. I can't see changing much, actually. Although I will be celebrating with a few cocktails :)

YAY!

Total weight loss: 22 pounds

Total sugar eaten: ZERO

Total changes: Too may to count

Miscalculations

In the world of weight management, there is one factor that can silently sabotage your efforts...bad information. While much of the world is doing a great job of listing their calorie counts on their menus and in nutritional data online, not every restaurant does this yet. When having to do it on your own, it is quite possible that you will miscalculate things you eat.

This week, I did that. And I gained weight because of it. Thanks to My Fitness Pal, I was able to look at which foods I KNEW I got right, which then allowed me to see what I must have counted wrong. This did several things for me:

• It allows me to never eat those foods again, since I clearly can't properly account for them
• It allows me to NOT beat myself up for the weight gain
• and most importantly, it allows me to NOT let this to be a setback 

When you're trying to be healthy and lose weight (or gain it), as with everything in life, there is going to be a learning curve. Some days, weeks, months everything will go the way you think it will. And some won't. That's normal. When you don't know why it happened, it's easy to tell yourself that you failed, that your body is against you, that you might as well just give up because you clearly can't do this.

But when you know why, when you have the right tools and the means of changing your thought life to support you instead of sabotage you, miscalculations can be seen for what they are. Miscalculations. Not an attack, not a failure, not a character flaw. Just a simple, human, miscalculation.

So as I start my Friday, instead of feeling weaker, I actually feel stronger. I know how to do better next week, I know what to avoid and what doesn't support my efforts. I feel empowered.

***Sidenote: You'll notice in my post on what I eat, instead of deleting the things that contributed to this gain, I lined them out so that you too can avoid them :)

Friends are great reminders

This past week, I had the pleasure of sharing my new found success with a good friend of mine. I listened as she expressed her frustration at recent weight gain and then had a time of reflection as she said no to having a salad with me for dinner because "I already had dunkin donuts today, so I'm going all out for dinner."

I remember being there. I remember when my brain was not on my side. I remember when each moment was consumed with thoughts of when I could eat again, which carbs I wanted, when I could get the next sugar high.

Listening to my friend, I had an extreme feeling of empathy; but not just for her, I had it for myself. I thought back to how I had been and thought for so many years and I just felt sorry for that 'me.' The slavery I had to my thoughts was so strong that at one point I tried to join the football team in school and later the army...just to have someone structure my life in such a way that my brain couldn't control me anymore. I was willing to have a drill sergeant scream at me and open myself up to going to war just to find some mental peace.

Ultimately neither of those happened, so my thoughts kept attacking me and sabotaging any of my attempts to change. When I finally decided I was going to get lapband, I was done. I was done fighting, I was done being bullied by my thoughts and I was done feeling worse every morning.

As I've shared in previous posts, my journey to getting the lapband included several epiphanies. The final one was that I simply had to say NO to myself. And I had to mean it. Listening to my friend struggle with her thoughts showed me just how far I've come. I don't try, I don't talk myself into eating healthy, I don't distract myself from thinking about unhealthy foods. I am free, completely.

The recipe for getting where I am is pretty simple:

Say no.
Pray.
Get people to support you without judgement and without jealousy (avoid others who are struggling still - they will unknowingly talk you out of making good decisions)

If you want to know:

What I eat

My exercise routine

My church

Perseverance

After last weeks minor setback, I proved to myself that I have changed. How? I did NOT emotionally react, feel defeated and throw in the towel. Instead, I had a protein day, got back to the gym and prayed that God would work His magic on my body to heal it and help it to rebound quickly from the illness and medication.

This week I am down not just the weight I gained that week, but an additional pound, bringing my total pounds lost to 25.6! I was prepared for it to come off slowly and was completely awe struck at the scale this morning. I knew I had followed the right eating plan and exercised; but with steroids, I was cautious to be optimistic. I'm overjoyed to see the quick rebound my body made and be able to see God's hand in helping me to get through that bump with a good attitude and get to see such awesome results.

Last weekend I realized I could no longer wear my normal work pants, as they're way too big, so I went shopping. I figured I'd be down a size and brought a bunch of pants to the dressing room. They were all too big. I'm down 2 sizes! It's such a great feeling to know I'm in control of my body and my mind even when things externally impact me.

Another funny thing...I took a picture with a friend and could actually see the difference in my face. It's weird when you see your own weight loss happening.

Excited for the weekend!!

Surprise success

Having gone on vacation for a week and eaten a bit more than usual, I was expecting this week to reflect a bit of that. Last week I dropped a pound and a half, so I thought if I was lucky I dropped another 2 pounds this week.

When I got on the scale, I had to re-weigh myself 3 times from disbelief. I dropped 6 pounds this week! Granted I tried to eat a bit less this week to make up for last week, but I never expected THAT! I cannot recommend highly enough the My Fitness Pal app. It has made ALL the difference. I'm able to keep track of everything so easily and monitor myself constantly.

Before my vacation, I expressed my concerns with several friends from church, so I feel very thankful that their prayers helped me get through it all with such ease and success. I feel strong, empowered and able to succeed like I never have before!

Munchies

As I approach my next hormonal shift, I notice two subtle things: I want to snack and I want salty or sweet things. The rest of the month I have been able to basically not pay a lot of attention to what I'm eating in a flavor or texture kind of way. I choose healthy foods that taste good and plan ahead well. Yesterday and today I am noticing a creeping need for munchies. Coworkers snacking is on my radar, I am thinking more about food than normal and I am starving.

While it's possible that it is tied to the minimal calories I had Monday, I think it is possible as well that my hormones are playing a role in this. I'm proud of myself in that I will still manage to stay within the 1500 calorie limit for the day, which is not normally how I would handle things when this shift comes through. It's a nice feeling to be in control even when my hormones and munchies are kicking.

Getting noticed

If you've never weighed a whole lot...or never lost it...you won't know the info below. Even if you have dropped a lot of weight, you may not have noticed what I'm about to tell you. Being a people-watcher extraordinaire, I have observed the following:

It's kind of weird that every stage of weight has it's own category of attention. 15 pounds ago I was in the "invisible" category; the place where no one really looks at you except random homeless people. This stage is actually a big reason people get to that high of a weight. Much research has gone into the psyche of being overweight and has found that most people are heavy to protect themselves in some way. It's usually sub-conscious, but it is rare to find someone like me...someone overweight who likes attention.

Now I'm in the "noticed in passing" stage where people notice me again and are beginning to have judgement in their looks. It's important to note that at no stage do I care about these varying degrees of reaction/attention; I just find people fascinating (hey, my degree is in Sociology). I love to make mental notes of different things as I people watch in a feeble attempt to understand how people think. It makes the time on the train feel shorter :)

As someone who has lost a significant amount of weight before in my life, I know I will soon drop into the "Noticed and possible competition" category. This category carries with it a bit harsher judgement. When you're being judged because someone thinks of you as "fat," they are judging your overall appearance. When you're being judged because you might be a potential competitor, the judgement becomes about everything...how your hair is done, what your lips looks like, whether your shoes match your purse, if your toe nails are painted, etc. Girls are ridiculous. Again, let me reiterate, I'm able to notice this because it amuses me. Woman have NO idea what men actually see in a girl, so we judge each other based on what we see. The funny thing is that when a girl judges another on all that, it has no basis in her competitive edge. I get hit on more in sweats and a hair tie than I ever do when I'm perfectly coiffed. And I get hit on by more married men than single ones. Figure that one out!

I mention all this merely because I can. Being someone who's self-esteem is firmly planted without regard to others, I thoroughly enjoy watching people's reactions to each other, including me. Being intuitive, I usually know what they're thinking, so I love to look them in the eye. It's fun to watch their reaction when they realize I know. I don't know how this communication exchange takes place, but some day we'll discover people are more telepathic than science currently attests to. Until then I will just continue to enjoy, observe and report back to you what I find.

Cheat days

Included in my "plan" are various kinds of cheat days. Once a week I can have 1800 calories and once a month I can have an unlimited day. This weekend I took both, haha. Having a visitor in town...my mom...means we are out and about more than usual. I enjoyed some Italian on Saturday and then Sunday had Chinese for lunch, Mexican for dinner AND some fro-yo with toppings for dessert. Hey, I'm a multi-cultural foodie.

What was awesome was that in neither case did I feel out of control, in neither case did I blow the rest of the day just because of those meals, and in neither case did I wake up feeling hungrier than normal. I decided when I made the "plan" that my big cheat day a month would be followed by a shake day to help re-regulate my blood sugar. I'm halfway through that today and feel great! I'm a little tired, and excited for my salad in an hour or so, but other than that I'm not weird out about it and I'm not trying to talk myself into eating instead.
Progress!

The little voice in your head

I have never so easily been able to distinguish between my soul, my thoughts and the "other" voice in my head as clearly as I do now. My soul is curiously witnessing the exchange and basically not caring what happens ultimately as the body is a temporary residence anyway. But my thoughts are for the first time entirely separate from the voice in my head.

Before you ask, no I'm not schizophrenic, the voice isn't a person. It's the desire. I can hear it telling me just ONE cheat would be okay; just ONE bite; just ONE thing not on the list. Who wants rules anyway? Weren't they made to be broken? Do the doctors really MEAN no, or are they just being overly cautious? I've been good, don't I deserve this? Strict rules aren't healthy, you need this. YOU NEED THIS.

It gets louder.

And yet there above it all are my own thoughts. My very clear, very controlled brain saying NO. For the first time in my life, I think, I'm not trying to find a way to give in, I'm simply saying NO. It's liberating and terrifying and surreal.

The "other" wants me to fail. It wants and wants and wants and is never satiated. It is unwelcome in my life and yet sitting inside my own mind, harassing me to the point that I now need surgery. My epiphany is this:

I always thought I had no will power. That is entirely untrue, I have ridiculously strong will power. And my will WANTS to make the wrong choice. It wants me to fail. It isn't my will power being weak that is the problem, it's been my poor brain finding a way to say no to my will power. What a different world!