Scales and Alligators

An alligator will look at you, consider attacking and perhaps decide to let you off with a curious glance, making you certain of your safety; or so you thought. They can sneak up behind you, quick as lightening and attack, leaving you deeply damaged or dead.

Like alligators, scales should be treated with caution. A scale, if used properly, can be an instrument to tell you whether or not you're heading in the right direction. A scale might look harmless, but you can't "un-know" what it will tell you. You might step on it feeling great; you know you haven't overeaten, you have been exercising, you KNOW it will give you good news.

And then it doesn't.

And like a sneaky alligator, suddenly your thoughts begin to spiral, leaving you damaged or dead inside. You didn't see it coming and now the pretty day you woke up to feels like a hot subway station and you just need air.

WHY?

No matter what you tell yourself...muscle weighs more than fat, water weight could be to blame, weight fluctuates, etc...media and society base everything on the numbers on the scale. Instead of throwing on your favorite jeans and thinking, "Wow, they're loose!" we are trained to hop on a scale to determine what our mood should be for the day. Sounds like the voice from another post on here!

But how can you fix that???

Well there's different answers for everyone. For me, praying and determining my response to the number beforehand are a major factor. I can face it if I don't feel attached to the number. If I am in a place where I look at it as a tool to see what IS and IS NOT working, during a period of transition in my diet. Once transitioned, it's generally better for me to basically avoid them, as one bad "weigh-in" can make me doubt everything I've worked on since the last one. And those thoughts from earlier...muscle weighs more than fat, water weight could be to blame, weight fluctuates...are TRUE! But turning your thoughts from negative to positive take a LOT of practice, and sometimes I'm just not there.

If you're one of those weirdos who isn't affected by those numbers, awesome! Share your secrets!! If you're not, like most of us, stack it at the top of your closet and only break it out when you run into it. Spring cleaning! OH - time to weigh in! Your body and mind will thank you :)

Why I am NOT having surgery

When I began the year, I knew that focusing on my health was going to be priority #1. I have lost weight before, it isn't that I don't know how; but I gained it back every time. I thought that my will power was the issue, so after finding a nutritionist and specialist, we agreed that surgery was the best option. The journey continued on that path for several months.

Then a week before surgery I had an epiphany (you can read about it in an earlier post) that made me begin to look at myself and my thoughts in a whole new way. I was finally able to actually SEE and HEAR the problem. Some much needed soul searching later (also in another post), I came to the conclusion that it wasn't surgery I needed. It was a nutritionist and the simple word NO.

The plan, though, needs a few more details that that. The way my brain thought was this:

NORMALLY when you "start a diet" you remove items from your diet, feel deprived, lose weight, eventually rebound and then decide you don't have the willpower to be healthy.

REALITY can be this: Spend 10 days on the "shake" or "pre-surgery" diet. This means you drink up to 5 shakes a day (I like the GNC Total Lean chocolate or vanilla - add cold coffee to the vanilla for a latte!). You can also have non-starchy veggies. After 10 days on them, you've taken yourself to zero in terms of having the foods you are used to. That way, when you begin to add foods back in, you feel happy! You are ADDING, not subtracting!

If you just add in what is healthy, then you're set up for a lifetime of health! Before the 10 days, say goodbye to all the foods you love...have soda, have bread, have candy; have anything and everything that you love and enjoy the memory of having your last one ever.

Then when your 10 days is up, NEVER add them back in. Start fresh, like a baby, and add in only the foods you know are good for you. This can include "snack" foods as long as they are healthy and not something that you LOVE. If you ever feel yourself slip, just pop back onto the 10 days of shakes and reset again.

*You shouldn't LOVE a food. It's food. That's not what it's for. If you need it because you love it, you need a therapist, not surgery. If you disagree or become angry by that statement, focus on that thought. What is angry? Why? Is it not true? Why are you deriving pleasure from food? Why do you think that's normal or okay?

Now try this...tell that thought to leave you alone. Tell it that you do not accept it's pathetic attempt to gain pleasure from food and that life is much bigger, richer and more amazing than a cookie (or french fry, or chip, or cake...you decide). What did that cookie ever give you? Did it REALLY make you happy? Did one ever feel like enough?

You know what DOES feel like enough? Healthy foods! You can enjoy them, gain nutrients from them AND not crave them. It's the best of both worlds. You like what you're having, but you no longer love it so much you can't stop.

A friend of mine said to me not long ago, "But life isn't fun without soda!"

Do you feel that way? That life "isn't fun" without a cookie, or cake, or soda, or nachos, or 12 sugars in your coffee?

If you're feeling defensive, that's good! Listen to that...it's your will. THAT is your will. The part of you saying, "Leave me alone! I like it, that's normal, it's okay to want those things!"

Do you hear it? Now recognize the part of you that "hears" it.

Did you ever see the illustration of the devil and the angel on a persons' shoulders?

You just met them both.

Which one do YOU want to be a slave to?

You can only pick one.

An excerpt from my personal diary

Following the new lesson on telling myself NO, I spent the weekend with my church at our annual retreat. I had a lot of internal turmoil happening with the realization that I have a dark side and a light side. In that, I now can choose to pull apart what the thoughts are and where they come from. In many ways I wish I could understand myself better.

I want a cookie. Why? Beyond taste, what am I looking for? What does the cookie represent? Where is the need?

More importantly, so what??????? (In asking these questions, I am not just holding the thought captive, I am interrogating it, making it answer for itself)

Eating is about nutrition for survival. Marketing strategies have taken place which refocus that into pleasure and senses. Don’t fall for it! Satan is in the details. If an activity, food, behavior or thought doesn’t glorify God, then it glorifies Satan. Period. It’s black and white. Like you cannot be a little pregnant – you either are or are not – you cannot glorify Satan and disappoint God a little. You either do or do not.

Therefore, your thought process has been backwards. It isn’t about eating food you enjoy that may or may not be healthy; it’s about eating healthy food you may or may not enjoy. If you get both, yay! If you have to pick one, HEALTHY is now the ideal. And to go against that is to tell God you prefer Satan win this one. Is that ever true?

The little voice in your head

I have never so easily been able to distinguish between my soul, my thoughts and the "other" voice in my head as clearly as I do now. My soul is curiously witnessing the exchange and basically not caring what happens ultimately as the body is a temporary residence anyway. But my thoughts are for the first time entirely separate from the voice in my head.

Before you ask, no I'm not schizophrenic, the voice isn't a person. It's the desire. I can hear it telling me just ONE cheat would be okay; just ONE bite; just ONE thing not on the list. Who wants rules anyway? Weren't they made to be broken? Do the doctors really MEAN no, or are they just being overly cautious? I've been good, don't I deserve this? Strict rules aren't healthy, you need this. YOU NEED THIS.

It gets louder.

And yet there above it all are my own thoughts. My very clear, very controlled brain saying NO. For the first time in my life, I think, I'm not trying to find a way to give in, I'm simply saying NO. It's liberating and terrifying and surreal.

The "other" wants me to fail. It wants and wants and wants and is never satiated. It is unwelcome in my life and yet sitting inside my own mind, harassing me to the point that I now need surgery. My epiphany is this:

I always thought I had no will power. That is entirely untrue, I have ridiculously strong will power. And my will WANTS to make the wrong choice. It wants me to fail. It isn't my will power being weak that is the problem, it's been my poor brain finding a way to say no to my will power. What a different world!

Ketosis saves the day

Somehow it did not occur to this two time Lindora patient that all the shakes were meant to do was get you in ketosis. Had I realized that, I could have avoided the almost 3 days of misery getting into it. Ketosis, if you don't know, is when your body uses up all the carbs you've eaten and stored and begins to burn your own fat for energy. Literally you are eating your own ass. Amazing. The up-side is that since you're getting surgery, you've got plenty where that came from! So how could your body be hungry?? Ever?

It isn't.

Thank you, God!

Here's my suggestion for those who aren't yet ON their 2 week diet.

Start 3 weeks before.

Don't panic, don't touch the shakes yet :)

Week 1 (3 weeks before surgery if you're required to do 2, 5 weeks before if required to do 4, etc.)

During this week, begin substituting protein for carbs. Eat as much as you want, as often as you want. Chicken, beef, fish, burgers (no bun), hot dogs (no bun), turkey, cottage cheese, greek yogurt, lunchmeats.  Also include all the non-starchy veggies you want...basically ALL of them except corn and beans.

NO fruits, breads, sweets, sugars, etc.

At night, a teaspoonful of REAL honey (in decaf tea is good too) will help you sleep (NOT corn syrup).

Drink literally anything non-caloric you want...broth, coffee, tea, sugar free sodas, etc. You will notice that after a few days, you're not hungry at all. Eating begins to feel like a chore and you change from thinking, "When do I get to eat again?" to "When do I HAVE to eat again." You simply stop wanting to. You will feel hungry when your blood sugar drops, so always ALWAYS eat every 3 hours. This is true no matter who you are or how much you weight. 3 hours is the magic time. You should not wait to feel hungry.

As you get closer to the end of the week, you'll be in ketosis. You might taste it like I do...a weird, almost rotten taste comes out when you breathe. This is normal. Your body is eating itself, it's not going to smell good. If you don't get this, consider yourself lucky!

Two ways you will KNOW you are in ketosis:

• You aren't hungry unless it's been hours since you ate last (and it's a mild hunger)
• You have a ton of energy and your mood is elevated

Week 2-3 Follow doctors orders

This would have been SOOOOO helpful for me and would have saved me several days of being miserably hungry. Once you're in ketosis, the switch to shakes is simply about taste and texture. GNC protein drinks are super cheap and taste great. The only down side is that they are super sweet, so you'll definitely want broth laying around so that you can drink that first in order to balance the sweetness. 

As always, please leave a comment if you'd like or ask a question if this isn't clear :)

Day 2 of shakes

It's amazing when you're hungry all the weird food memories you have. Last night I dreamt about eating strawberries. Today I am remembering two things vividly: 1 is the sandwich I ate after a 3 day fast I did years ago for a medical procedure. 2nd is food I had with my best friend years ago at a brewery in Long Beach, CA. NO idea why these two things are coming up for me, but here we are.

Last night I had beef broth with peas and carrots in it. I know, sounds odd, but I needed the sodium. Having all the sweet shakes is getting to me, so that helped. I also had some carrots with salsa and that helped a ton. THEN I had my final shake for the night, which allowed me to sleep nicely.

So far today I have no headache and haven't taken anything to prevent one.

I am GRUMPY. I noticed myself being short with members of my team, and could recognize my hunger behind it all. It's a bumpy road so far, but I know day 2 is supposed to be the worst. Ticking along...

I'm hungry...and it's only day 1

The shakes taste good, so I'm relieved about that, but not having any carbs or fat is killing me. It's only been a day, how am I going to get through 14 of them?? Once I've had surgery I would imagine my hunger is less...plus by then I'll have eaten nothing substantial in weeks. But ugh. I'm drinking water and decaf coffee and sugar free beverages a ton. I plan to get broth tonight so that I don't totally lose my mind; but this is NOT fun.

Many people have asked me why I don't "just diet and exercise"? I find this question so interesting. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be fat. I'm just saying. I did start to think, though, "Hey, why not try it again. I could do the shake days and then just eat slowly without needing surgery."

I'm only on day 1 and I would have cheated by now, a few times, if I were just doing this to lose weight. Knowing the surgery will be safer if I comply with this makes it easier mentally. Physically, though, I'm over it. I've been trying to explain to friends why I need this. It has never been so clear to me until right now. When there is a pending life or death consequence for my actions, I take it seriously. When the consequence is a maybe and is way off (ie: diabetes "someday") it isn't enough of a reason for me to stick to it.

So here I sit, drinking a decaf coffee, water and sparkling ice at the same time hoping the amount of liquid in my stomach will make the hunger stop. another hour until I can have another shake. The thought of MORE sweet isn't making it any better either. I need broth.

If you've been through this...how many days do you fantasize about "real" food?

Shake Day 1

It's only 10:45 and already I took a pain pill for the carb headache I was getting. Not good. I know it wasn't caffeine as I had my coffee. I don't mind the shakes, in fact they are tasty; but going down to less than 900 calories a day with almost zero carbs isn't going to be easy.

I feel for my coworkers!

Final Doc appt before surgery!

Today was my last appointment before surgery. I am SO excited!!!!! My doctor is amazing and answered all my questions quickly. I feel prepared, excited, eager and happy. The most annoying part is having to make all the phone calls and appointments for the pre-op testing, etc. Ugh. I need an assistant for these things.

At the moment I am working out 3 days a week. I may do up to 5 for the 2 weeks of fasting I am coming into before surgery (to shrink my liver). Once I have surgery, I will take off the few days after to rest and then have permission to start walking as soon as I want. My exercise routine, however, has to wait a month after to allow my scar to heal as to not get a hernia.

I am over the moon. I cannot believe it's finally almost here and I will get to start feeling better and exercising more easily and not having to constantly feel deprived in order to eat less. I've made peace with the foods I will forever be giving up...pasta, good bread, carbonated beverages, alcohol (mostly) and have said my goodbyes. Most there is a "way" to have again, but I truly respect this as a tool and therefore am not in any way wanting to push the boundaries. To me, the band means giving up these things. For good. Surgery is a big deal, it's a firm step forward and the only way out of my situation is to move ahead and never look back.

Hello future! I'm coming!

Me before (depending on the photo I'm between 260 and 290):

 

Exercise

I decided instead of waiting to lose some of the weight first, that I would start a workout regime 3 weeks prior. I've been trying not to have everything happen at once. Being someone who enjoys starting the day with a workout, this wasn't a huge step; but I hadn't set foot in a gym (for financial reasons) in over a year...so it was long overdue.

Lucille Roberts is a women's only gym with locations all over NYC. For a CHEAP monthly rate, one gets to visit all of the locations, all classes, unlimited. Amazing.

With a combination of cardio and Tim Ferriss' workout: The Four Hour Body, my workout looks like this:

Monday

30 min cardio (I do treadmill due to knee issues)

• 2 min warmup at 2.5
• 3 min warmup at 3.0
• 20 min at 3.5
• 3 min cooldown at 3.0
• 2 min cooldown at 2.5

5 min workout

• 10 - 20lb Kettlebell lifts
• 20 - 20lb Kettlebell swings
• 15 crunches atop the half-moon BOSU ball
• 10 each side of alternate arm and leg lifts while on all fours (If this doesn't make sense, read his book!)

10 min stretching

DONE!

Tuesday

50 min cardio

• 2 min warmup at 2.5
• 3 min warmup at 3.0
• 40 min at 3.5 (Alternating with elevations up to 1.0)
• 3 min cooldown at 3.0
• 2 min cooldown at 2.5

10 min Stretching

Wednesday

50 min cardio

• 2 min warmup at 2.5
• 3 min warmup at 3.0
• 40 min at 3.5 (Alternating with elevations up to 1.0)
• 3 min cooldown at 3.0
• 2 min cooldown at 2.5

10 min Stretching

Thursday

50 min cardio

• 2 min warmup at 2.5
• 3 min warmup at 3.0
• 40 min at 3.5 (Alternating with elevations up to 1.0)
• 3 min cooldown at 3.0
• 2 min cooldown at 2.5

10 min Stretching

Friday

30 min cardio (I do treadmill due to knee issues)

• 2 min warmup at 2.5
• 3 min warmup at 3.0
• 20 min at 3.5
• 3 min cooldown at 3.0
• 2 min cooldown at 2.5

5 min workout

• 10 - 20lb Kettlebell lifts
• 20 - 20lb Kettlebell swings
• 15 crunches atop the half-moon BOSU ball
• 10 each side of alternate arm and leg lifts while on all fours (If this doesn't make sense, read his book!)

10 min stretching

If this is too much for you to start with, start smaller. I used to do a lot more than this, so I decided to hit the ground running, so to speak. 

I started my day with a protein shake!

UPDATE:Protein Shakes

The dreaded 2 week protein shake fast is coming. Ugh.

While I am extremely excited for my upcoming surgery (May 29th!!!), I am NOT excited about the upcoming 2 weeks of protein shakes. This is apparently necessary to shrink my liver in order to make the surgery safer. Fine. But 2 weeks?? I'm getting surgery because I'm hungry and you're going to make me fast beforehand?!?!?!?!

Torture.

One saving grace is that I can have broth as well as 2 cups of veggies a day (non-starchy ones, of course) and I can still have my coffee. Thank GOD.

The shake I've decided on is Muscle Milk Light. It tastes good somehow...I know, hard to believe. It also has a higher protein content with fewer calories than most of the other options out there. I figure I need all the protein I can get as it should help me to be less hungry. We shall see.

What experiences do you have with them?

UPDATE: So I changed my mind on the brand. I will be using GNC Total Lean. It tastes better, is WAAAAY cheaper, has more protein than MMLight and has 3 different flavors out. Yay!

Finding a surgeon

It is the fortune of my life that I am always in the right place at the right time. When the idea to finally seek professional help for the weight that would not leave my body struck me, I found myself living in NYC. My coworker directed me to the VERY helpful website, obesityhelp.com. It was through that site that I located my surgeon.

My search was fairly simple. I searched the doctors in my area that had really high ratings and a lot of them. I called 3. The first two had fairly rude secretaries. At the time, I was asking about a procedure still in testing called Gastric Plication. A friend of mine had it a year prior with amazing results. I wanted this surgery for the simple reason that it removed nothing and yet worked like a gastric sleeve.

The first two called wouldn't even speak to me, said a simple, "No, we don't do that," and hung up. Finally, the 3rd doctor had a secretary that did not hang up. She said it was still in clinical trials, but that the doctor would be happy to chat with me about it and booked an appointment.

I began researching him. Extensively.

What I learned made me laugh. I reached this stage of my life at 34. I had lived and worked all over the world, had many times thought about getting help but never took the step, and there was no reason that this was the time I finally made the decision to see someone.

And yet, here I was, working and living in NYC, with the ability to meet with THE #1 leading LapBand surgeon in the world. Not the country. The world. He's done more surgeries than any surgeon, of any kind, in the world. He was brought to the US from Australia to teach American doctors how to DO this surgery 20 years ago. On top of that, he himself had the surgery done 10 years prior.

Jackpot.

Still, I went to the appointment expecting a surgeon's personality. A "God Complex"ed jerk with terrible bedside manner whom I would tolerate because of his excellent resume.

What I found was quite the opposite. He is kind, generous with his time, explained everything in detail, answered all of my questions, and would not let me leave until he told me that I should be proud of myself for admitting I needed help. We spoke about Gastric Plication and he expressed his newfound concerns quite candidly. He explained each type of surgery available, discussed which he thought best for various personality types and asked what "type" of patient I was. He then told me which he thought was best for me and said I should spend time thinking about it and let him know if I would like to proceed.

A surgeon?? Human??

They do exist! It's like the holy grail, but it's real. As I write this, I've had 3 visits with him (my insurance requires 1 more before I can officially "qualify" to apply to them for coverage). Each visit he is kind, answers any questions and is encouraging.

If you're in the NYC area, visit http://thinforlife.med.nyu.edu/ and search for Dr. George Fielding.

Good luck!!